Pass the port

Bangkok, Thailand
I am once again a legitimate British Citizen, with a shiny new (biometric...oooh, check that) passport to prove it and I am a valid visitor to Thailand with a replacement visa. No longer do I have to skulk about lacking credentials feeling like some form of refugee or illegal immigrant, knowing I couldn't leave the country if I wanted to. Living in fear of being stopped by the police for some random check (as happened!) or guesthouse staff asking to see my passport. Feels good. Better than I ever imagined it could have before I lost that essential bit of travel kit.

Actually when I say I have a new passport, I actually don't have it. It's at the Myanmar Embassy to get a visa for a trip I'm going to make there this week (sounds like it made the trip to the embassy of its own accord). But if I did have it, I'd take a picture of it and let you see how spangly and delightful it really is.

My advice to you is really quite simple and bloody obvious: hang onto that burgundy (or whatever colour it may happen to be) document as if your life depended on it. It just might do and it's a crashing bore trying to get another one.

Instead, here's a picture of the replacement for the bag I had stolen (hech hem...lost). Weirdly enough I chanced across the exact same model in the Siam Centre in Bangkok and it felt like destiny to replace like with like...and guess what...it's chocolate brown with an orange lining so there was no question about not getting it really.

Perhaps I shouldn't broadcast my overt act of consumerism given my previous post. And the bag's made by Nike, perhaps in some Chinese sweat shop where 13 year old kids work 18 hours a day, are discouraged from taking any days off and get paid the princely sum of seven dollars a month. [Eyes downcast in shame; pass the hair shirt.]

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Trat, SE Thailand
Having a fearful ordeal getting posts onto the BligBlagBlog. Seems that Blogger.com has become persona non grata with the Thai government akin to the You Tube incident when someone broadcast a spoof vid of the K%I/N&G that caused offence and the Thai plug got pulled. I suspect something similar has happened with Blogger.com and some dreadful anti-royalist has posted that the K*I&N^G dresses funny or smells of soup or something. I couldn't possibly agree.

Anyway, had my first brush with the famed Royal Thai Police Force yesterday. I was minding my own business at Bangkok's Eastern bus station, humming The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round to myself, as is my wont when at bus stations, when I caught the attention of the afore mentioned law enforcers. It was obviously a bit of a slow day on the bus station beat, so three of the stout fellas came over to ask me a few simple questions, the first of which was 'Can we see your passport.' Ah.


Those keeping up with the story thus far will foresee the obvious and subsequent escalation of events. For those new to Spratticus (and may I offer a hearty welcome) I shall fill in the gap - I lost my passport last week. All I have is a letter from the British Embassy in Thailand saying 'This dunce claims to be British and we're in the process of knocking holes in his likely story.'


There then ensued a scene like the first rush at the Biddenham jumble sale - two of the chaps ransacked my baggage: clothes, flip flops, books, pens (a lot of pens actually) and a surprising amount of dental floss was tipped onto the bus station floor and handled fairly roughly, whilst a fair sized crowd encircled to spectate.


If I had charged 20 bob a person I'd have made quite some readies. The other man-in-black proceeded to bark a series of questions at me and had me sweating a little from the top lip, despite being profoundly innocent of any misdemeanour other than murdering the tune of a children's song.


In the end they got bored and left me to repack my chattels, not even a suggestion that I should 'compensate' them for their hard work and fruitless search. I skulked off to the other side of the station and switched my humming tune to Three Blind Mice.

Oh, and not to go on but...

This comes on the back of another run in with 'authority'. I was looking for a shop down by the river in Bangkok, on a mission to find some dressing gowns for Jo (that's a bit irrelevant), and instead of getting the passenger ferry one stop up the river I hopped on the complimentary ferry. That is complimentary for guests of the very swanky Oriental Hotel that was going to the same spot as I wanted to, more or less. Well, as I disembarked at the hotel jetty I was confronted by a tedious little man in a safari suit asking if he may help me. I then started fibbing:

Me: I'm just meeting my friend Jo for drinks at the hotel.
Safari Suit: And is she a guest at the Oriental?
Me: Oh yes (oh no)
SS: And what room is she in?
Me: I don't know.
SS: Can you find out?
Me: I could give her a call I suppose (oh dear)

...pause... he gives me the head cocked sideways look...

Me retrieving phone from pocket and pretending to dial a number and then making up a conversation: Hi, Jo...yeah, it's Ants..uh huh...yeah...I see, you're at the shops still...OK, I'll meet you there...see you in a few minutes.

(All the time he's saying in a loud hissing whisper 'Ask for her room number'...which obviously I didn't, as I was speaking to no-one and that no-one wasn't staying at the Oriental.)

SS: Did you get her room number?
Me: No. But it's OK, I'm going to meet her at some shops close by.
SS: Can you call her back and get her room number?
Me thinking this has gone beyond ridiculous: Errr...OK.

...repeat same makey-upy call only this time strangely...

Me: It's just going through to voicemail. ...shrug...

He gives up at this point and directs me to the lobby and I escape to freedom! How stupid was that? Tosser...him and me!

Untangling this fine mess

Bangkok, Thailand
Well, you'll be sad to know that none of my belongings (the show-stopping ones) turned up, as was always likely to be the case. However, I did get my flip flops back. Some dizzy French woman had put them on 'accidentally' and I recognised her from the Internet cafe walking in the street. Being in no mood to act coy at this point, I challenged her on her oversized footwear.

'Oh, I am zzzorry, I didn't realizzze, I zzzzought zzzey felt a beet big'. I think that deserves the childish remark of my schoolboy youth - chinny!!

So, there was nothing else to do other than to scoot back from Pai, northern Thailand to Bangkok and quite a scoot it was. Bus, moto taxi, mini bus, (earthquake...seriously), overnight train and Skytrain finds me back at Ros & Dan's off Thong Lo and elbows deep in trying to bail out the leaky vessel that is my current situation.

So, new passport being applied for and the wheels of that procedure have been greased by a piece of pre-trip planning quite against the grain for me - I had photocopies of my passport and driving licence in my main pack. Flight tickets being re-issued altho' there's the usual hassle associated with United Airlines that I won't go into for fear of curling up into a ball and muttering incoherently to myself. Can't do a lot about the Thai visa until I get a new passport, which could take up to 10 working days. Ooops.

Also bit the bullet and bought myself a replacement camera from Bangkok's premiere electronics mall - Pantip Plaza. Love the name. Got the same one as I lost, 2GB memory card and Samsonite case (I mean for the camera, not a suitcase) for half the price I paid for mine eight months ago. Chuffed about that.

On a note of fun, high jinks and high balls: Jo Bole rocked into town en route from Kuala Lumpar to Brunei. OK, so that's a strange 'en route' but it was mighty fine to see her...again (last time in Broome, Western) and to celebrate, slightly belatedly, her birthday. Wanna see some snaps?...OK then:

Dan relaxing on JoB's arrival with a glass of fizz. Niiiiiiice.

Me looking a little startled chez DazRon and unusually wearing a yellow t-shirt.

Jo's birthday meal last night at La Villa Italian restaurant, round the corner from DazRon's. Ahhh, la dolce vita!

Ros & Dan, raising a glass of Italian brandy that the proprietor, Roberto, insisted was better than the Armagnac & Cognac we had ordered...and he didn't have anyway. Funny that.

Jo & me...seemingly avoiding low flying aircraft.

The usual silly snap that tickled me. From a convenience store. I guess if you need pressure cooker spare parts, it is pretty convenient. Sorry.

I think I jinxed myself

Pai, northern Thailand...today
Why did I have to give yesterday's post that title? Wasn't it just an invitation to The Gods to give me a karate chop in the head? Yes, yes it was. And they did. And a punch in the throat to boot. I have lost my passport & wallet not to mention flight tickets, camera, UK SIM card and a host of other important bobbins that were in the Do Not Lose Under Pain of Death bag. It was my fault, I just left the bag in a bar and went off to bed. Numb-nutz! Needless to say I have not been my number one friend today.

To add insult to injury, someone also walked off with (literally) my flip flops from outside the Internet cafe earlier. ARRRGGGHHH. Barefoot and credential-less. Grrreat.

So I have some serious unravelling of the terrific mess I've got myself in. Here's a pic to remind me what I'm missing other than the complete left side of my brain.